One Wish

If you could ask God for one thing and He guaranteed it would be immediately yours what would you ask for and why?

As i posed this question its only fair i answer it. I wish i was pure. Pure in my thinking, pure in my actions, pure in my desire to please the Lord. I desire to possess a body which is fit for the Holy Spirit to continually dwell in. A body free from sin. If there was one thing i could ask of the Lord, this is it. Purity.

Father i believe purity is also your desire for my life. Please grant me the strength to stay on this road and pull me back if (or is it when) i begin to stray.

Whatever is your "one wish" from the Lord, i pray He grants you your hearts desires in His time which am beginning to understand is always the best.

On a lighter note, as we approach the end of 2008, i wish everyone happy holidays and all the best.

Easy

Manna

"When the people of Israel saw it, they said to one another, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was. And Moses said to them, "It is the bread which the LORD has given you to eat."
Exodus 16:15

The children of Israel asked for food in the desert and when it came in the form of manna, they didnt recognise it. The Jews always wanted a messiah but when Jesus came they did not recognise Him. Can it be possible that our prayers are answered and we dont even know it? Can it be that we are asking for something and just because it doesnt arrive in the "gen-gen" package we wanted we dont notice it is here. I say this because at the start of the year i asked for God for a lot of things and as we approach it i feel as if nothing has happened. But if i look round, i have a lot to be happy about and grateful for. Especially as i dont deserve any of it.

Can it be that as we look for seismic shifts in our lives. We miss out on the incremental small steps. This bible verse sums it up:

Deuteronomy 8:3 And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know; that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but that man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD.

His preparing us for the future. So the next time you pray make sure your prayer has not already been answered :)

Wish everyone a great week

Caging One's Demons

Ok. I know this isn't a topic that people like talking about but its one i think about a lot as its an area i have personal experience in. Now don't get me wrong. Am not talking about being possessed by demons, but instead areas of persistent weakness. There are some parts of our lives where we never fall, that we are not tempted by. But there are other areas of our lives were, to be honest, it doesn't take much. Battling these "demons" possess benefits and potential dangers. I personally believe these battles can serve as either keys to our destiny or the reasons for our downfall.

Facing and accepting one's demons is tough. But if you think the battle just starts there, forget it. Caging the demon is a very very long maybe even life-time struggle. But caging it we must because behind this lies our destiny. My journey is still on going but thought i should share the main lesson i've learnt so far. Learn to forgive yourself. This battle is long-term and just because you fall, doesnt mean you are failing. By constantly picking yourself up, you are building resolve which is necessary for the journey ahead.

We all have our crosses to bear. But ive also learnt that it is important to have someone who you can share the burden of carrying that cross with. A sort of accountability partner who will see you through. Give you encouragement in your time of despair. Strengthen you in your time of weakness and help you through the process.

The undercurrent of this blog has been this journey to the person God wants me to be. Its been a bumpy ride but i leave you with the words of Mary Mary which i believe is very apt.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

I Love You

I am in love with God. When i look at my life and see all the close calls i have encountered, the stupid things i have done and still do, am amazed how God sees me in all my foolishness and still forgives me and blesses me. It is unreal. I honestly cannot fathom the depths of your love father. You really are a great God. I only wish i could be that forgiving to people who hurt me. To stop being judgmental when i see people whose crosses are different from mine. Father i know you desire to teach me steadfastness and discipline. I know why you want me to adopt these things in my life. Father i will continue to strive to show my love for you and do my best to uphold your commandments. I love you Father. Please always be near.

All I Really Wanted

"In my time of desperation
Came this simple revelation
That all I ever really wanted
Was you"

These lyrics were taken from a song by Donnie McClurkin and always pierce through my soul whenever i hear it. I know exactly what Donnie means. When its all said and done, after striving to keep up with the rat race and seemingly carry all the worlds problems, all we really want is to be surrounded by God's love and to experience His peace. I don't know how to explain it but whenever i feel God near me, i just feel at ease. I can rest in the comfort that despite all thats ahead of me, everything is gonna be alright. I wish i could live like this all day and always have Him by my side. The truth is He is always here. It is possible. Just have to remember to reach out to Him when things are starting to go "hairy". I love you Father. Always stay close to me!!!!!

Have a great week ahead peeps!!!!!!!!!

Better Late than Never

One thing i write a lot about on this blog is God's mercy and grace. Though repetitive, its probably the most important part of ones xtain life and God knows i need his mercy badly. Ive missed fellowshipping with my daddy. I missed our intimate moments. Ive been carried away with myself. Ive told him i wont be naughty anymore and will come back. Ive told him i wont fall again. And you know what. Ive broken every promise over and over again. The devil tries to tell you its over. You cant go back. He will never take you back. Not after what you did. Not after what you said. But all that are lies. I come before you Lord asking for your forgiveness for the millionth time. Not because i take you for granted but because i have no other choice. Where else can i really turn to? Only you have the keys to my soul and my redemption. Only you can save me from myself. Only you can guide me forward. Father, am lost without you. Take me back again. Cleanse me of all my unrighteousness. Bring me back to you.

Am not making any promises. I just want you to help me be the person You want me to be.

Thank you Lord!

Its all in my head

A few weeks back, i heard the Nelly song "over and over" and the lyric "its all in my head" sort of captured my state of mind. Over the last few weeks i have been engaged in what Joyce Meyer appropriately called the "Battlefield of the Mind". Ive been bombarded with and entertained negative thoughts. Ive let the devil get into my head and pollute it. Ive let him overwhelm me with his lies. Ive let him doubt my future and God's promises. I have fallen for his tricks and felt unworthy in God's presence. As i type these words now, am in the process of coming out of another of those spiritual lows that seem to last forever. Where you know God is with you, wanting the prodigal son back but for some strange reason cant seem to reach Him.

Father am here and ready to reach you again. Please take me back and lets continue from where we left off.

Easy peeps.

Searching for the Light

When "the dark side" takes over. When one seems to be stuck in some sort of rut. When there seems to be no escape no matter how much you crave for it or look for it. When you are confronted with the fragility and weakness of your own humanity. When you seem lost and empty and you dont know why? When you feel overwhelmed by the worlds problems? What do you do when the world seems like its caving around you? In the midst of the darkness, am searching for the torch light. But when i find it why do i want to turn it off again? Why do i want to stay in the dark even though i dont like it? Why am i fighting with the torch? Why cant i reach it and live it on?

Father i cant do this by myself. Please help me put on the light but more importantly, please help me leave it on. Shine your light into my darkness father and make me whole again.

Thanks

Lost at Sea

Amidst the waves of sin and doubt
I try to speak to You but the words don't come out
As i wrestle with my guilt and shame
Still cant stop playing with You this game
I run and hide
But still the tide overwhelms me
I desire to swim back to the boat
But part of me still loves to drift afloat these murky waters
As danger lurks beneath
I strangely seem drawn to it
Father save my hide from the tide
Please let the sandy bank find me

Going through the Motions

I haven't blogged in a while and strangely enough i had tonnes of stuff to write about. The last few months have been full of highs and lows. I enjoyed God's mercy and favour which i definitely did not deserve but ive been sort of drifting in my spiritual life lately. Feel away from God. Dont have the zeal i used to have seek Him. Not as thirsty as i used to be. Feel as if am just going through the motions. Like its a routine. Dont get moved at church anymore.Just feel like am missing a spark. Need a boost. A kick.

I suppose every xtian goes through a phase like this. A period when u feel u r drifting from God. And you feel distant from Him. The answer is simple. As i sit down here typing away, i can feel the answer screaming at me. "Just talk to Him. Let Him know how you feel". You know what? Am gonna do that now.

Easy peeps and nice to be back online.

Who is a Mature Xtian?

You know what. Sounds like a straight forward question right? But think about it for a sec? If someone asks you to define what it entails to be a mature xtian, what will you say?

We know its not perfection or an absolute state of sinlessness because we do not become perfect till we get to heaven. But we also know its definitely not worldly living. So, a mature xtian is somewhere between a saint and a sinner. But hold on. Isnt that like every xtain? So what does it mean to be a mature xtian. Is it just a numbers game? I sin less, pray more, meditate more so am more mature? Or is it something deeper than that?

Maybe its just a question of focus. I suppose focusing on one dimension (sin) is probably myopic. What about faith? Well i suppose its easier to have faith for external things outside your control that controlling what is inside you which really should be within your control. A sinless existence feels impossible. Like every xtian, i feel my members warring within me. My earthly vessel craves for things its knows it shouldnt do. It never relents. Its a 24hr operation to keep it in check. And if you slip up for a minute, it gets the better of you.

I suppose thats what it means. Spiritual maturity really is self-discipline. Your ability to master yourself, your thoughts, your desires and your actions despite provocation and temptation. The ability to build a impenetrable defense against the wiles of the enemy. To change your "default setting" from depravity to holiness. I have a long way to go. But hey suppose i can only take it one day at a time.

Father, i cant show you my works cos i can never merit your favour. But i can show you my heart. You know the intent of my heart which my actions betray. Have mercy on me Lord. Have mercy on me. Forgive me of my sins. Cleanse me of all unrighteousness. Restore me and put me back on track with you.

Thank you father for all you've done in my life. Please follow me on this walk every step of the way. Thanks father.

The Real Valentine's Day

Today is good Friday. The day the son of God laid down his life as an atonement for our sins. As a sinner this display of love is immense. How can someone love me so much to do such a thing. Little sinful me with all my flaws, weaknesses and proclivities. How can someone love me so much to keep wiping the slate clean urging me to strive on to perfection. No matter how hard i try, i just cant get round the magnitude of God's mercy and love for me.

This sort of display of affection is humbling.I mean it just has to be. When i take a good look at my life, i know i dont deserve half the things that happened to me. All the close shaves that i survived. The blessings i received. Given all the things ive done in return, i just dont merit that sort of favour. But father you found in somewhere in your heart to bless me all the same.

As we all celebrate the real Vals day, i wish everyone the best. May we never stray away from where God's love can reach us. And if we do, remember the parable of the prodigal son. He will always take you back.

Take care peeps

No Choices

“I have no other choice but to trust You
That’s all I can do
I have, no other choice but to believe”

This are the words of a song by Tye Trevitt. The choir sang this yesterday and I found it very timely. My last post smacked of confusion and frustration, but men at the end of the day. I have to take it just one day at a time. As the song says, I have no other choice but to trust You. He said He will never leave us or forsake us.

Thanks for your love father.

Guys have a great week ahead.

Numbing Growing Pains

Growing is a very painful process. When things don’t go the way you hoped or dreamed it’s very easy to start to doubt God. Doubt what He said about your future. Start to wonder if this is it. If this is the best God has in store for me. If my grandiose dreams will ever come to pass and if so how. I know this sounds stupid. Am supposed to keep on waiting on God which is 100% correct. But the pain of rejection, frustration and disappointment is hard. Worse still the pain of rejection and frustration can open the door to other things to help one “deal with them”.

Which leads me to my next set of questions:

At one’s lowest ebb, how do you resist the allure of instant gratification to numb the pain and forget the heart ache and hurt?

When the heat is on where do you run to get relief? Is it the solace of friendship, the comfort of a familiar habit or do you just internalise it inside?

When the gloomy clouds appear how do we notice they aren’t stationary but actually moving?

When you need an escape where do you run to? Hold on. What are you running from in the 1st place?

How do we learn from life’s experiences without getting scarred by them?

How do you keep remaining upbeat when you don’t seem to have a reason anymore?

What do you do when you don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel? When nothing good seems like its gonna happen?

I know this is a very pessimistic post but am just saying how I feel. Deep down in my heart I know God is there. Watching over me as I type this and wondering silly boy. If only He knew what I’ve got in store for Him.

Father I don’t mean to doubt you. Just wished you would let me know every once in a while that you are still there. Help me Lord to remember you as my refuge and continue to run to you.

The Futility of Pride

There is a thin line between confidence and pride. Between pride and arrogance. Between pride and self-sufficiency. Between pride and selfishness. My theme for this year is "No Retreat, Total Surrender" and its already starting to feel like a life-time theme.

Pride and selfishness go hand in hand. Both are centered on self. Self-affirmation and self-gratification. No matter what i wish, my self dependency and constant falling tells me deep down somewhere in my heart i still dont believe God will take care of everything. I still want to do things myself. My way. Why? Because deep down somewhere i still dont believe. If i truly believed, why will i do things my way? Why wont i obey His commands? Why wont i let go and let God?

The more i look at myself, the more i see things i need to work on. The more i criticise others, the more i see myself in them. Looking inwards is tough and its a shame when you are disgusted with what you see.

I really want to be Christlike. But i have finally reached the point where i have to admit that patience is the only way to get there. The best part is God has given us His grace to get us there. After every mistake, we can wipe ourselves up and keep trying for the 1000th time. Nothing we do can be so bad to disqualify us from his love. I am amazed by how much God loves us.

Take care peeps

The Goal Oriented Christian

I got the Max Lucado book "In The Grip of Grace" recently. It was a great read. It talks a lot about the abundance of God's love and mercy in spite of all our failings. But the most telling part of the book were the questions at the end. Ive listed the ones which hit me the most:

- Do you live in fear of never doing enough? Or do you live in gratitude that enough has been done?
- Do you do good deeds in order to be saved? Or do you do good deeds because you are saved?

These questions really hit a nerve. For the people who know me, i tend to have a goal oriented nature and always rushing somewhere trying to accomplish something. A friend of mine always describes me as "eager". I believe that you get what you work for. Reap what you sow. You have to put the effort if you want results. In summary, hard work is inevitable. You have to earn it. I applied this to the xtian life only to find out it doesnt work. Ive been acting like an insecure child trying to impress His daddy's in order to merit his love. I am constantly trying to prove to God how much i love Him, how much am growing. Am always trying either to work out my guilt or make me feel deserving of a blessing or merit some supernatural favour. As much as I hate to admit it, I been trying to be right with God by actions\works instead of faith. Which is weird because I never really thought of myself as a legalistic person let alone holy. But obviously part of me is.

The book says how actions are fruitless because no matter what we do, we can never make up for the ultimate sacrifice he made by sending his Son to die for us. God loves me just the way I am and is routing for me to become the person he wants me to be. I just have to be secure in this respect and spend more time thanking him for his grace and less time trying to earn it.

Have a great week peeps.

No Retreat. Total Surrender

This is my 100th post on this blog. I cant believe it to be honest. Cant believe ive stuck to it for such a long period of time. There were many times when i literally had to force myself to post something, especially when i wasnt in a particularly good mood. I can only hope God continues to give me the grace to keep posting despite the changing seasons of life.

This is also my 1st post of 2008 and i thought an appropriate source of inspiration for this post will be Jean Claude Van Damme :)(yeah i know, i changed the words of the title). Above all else, this is my theme for 2008. No Retreat. Total Surrender. This theme arises partly as a result of reading "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I've been so consumed with my goals, my aspirations, my needs that i have lost sight of God's purpose for my life. That i was created by God for his own pleasure and not for mine.

This was a deep revelation for me and an area i wish to rectify in my life. To totally surrender all of me to him. All i aspire to be. All i have. All i am. All i want. Going through that book (i recommend it for everyone) helps me point out the steps i need to take to live a purpose driven life. A selfless life centered on God. Not on my self.

But am under no illusions. I am fully aware of the battle for my soul which rages within me. I also understand the world i live in whose ways contradict all the principles to which i hold dear and would not want to compromise. I understand that there will be some heartbreak involved. I will make decisions which might be wrong or people will regard as foolish. I know i will do things that will cause people to doubt the faith to which i claim to follow. But despite this things. No matter what happens. What i wilfully do or not do. Father i do not intend to retreat from you this year but to run to you, lift up both my hands and surrender myself instead.

I intend to live by grace this year. Not solely focusing on asking for forgiveness yet again, but also learning to depend fully on Him and not on my intellect, my abilities or my supposed good actions.

I wish everyone a happy 2008. I have no idea how this year will pan out but i hope it will be a great one for us all.

Take care everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!