Random Musings of GarageBoy

THIS IS NOT COHERENT!!!!!! JUST GO WITH THE FLOW!!!!!!!!

Am feeling strange this morning and just want to get things off my chest. I hope you can make sense of this.....

Before i start this post let me mention a few things. I hate being in a situation where am solely dependent on anyone. I hate being a victim. It should then not come as a surprise that i also cant stand dependent people or people with a victim mind-set or mentality where nothing is their fault and cant take responsibility for their actions. This people really tick me off.

Okay. So why am i starting my post with such a diatribe. Well, thats beacuse i wanna explain why i am the way i am. Not excuse it or apologise for it, but explain it. Am one of those logic people and not really high on the emotional side. You know . More left brain than right brain. Or is it right brain than left brain. Woteva. But i hope you get the drift. I see things logically and say it how i see it. I see things in a detached manner and when they come out of my mouth, sometimes they come without any sense of emotion. This seems to rub people up the wrong way. Dunno why. Am one of those people that dont understand how people are wrapped up over how they feel about something that they lose sight of the real issue. I might need to learn to be more sensitive but hey if its a dumb idea/decision it will always be a dumb idea/decision.

Apparently, this behaviour is related with a goal-oriented mindset. I am my own harshest critic. In my quest for excellence, i have set very high standards for myself. This means that i detest failure in any aspect of my life. I just can't stand it. Thats cos meeting my goals is the most important thing to me. While i dont feel the need to brag about them and let the whole world know, it matters greatly to me. Whenever am confronted with failure even in the minutest of things i go into a tailspin for days. I wont exactly call it depression but am not in the best of moods. Pls, if am moody just leave me alone. My hatred of failure has been a motivating factor for me to always be successful in whatever i do. Whether its right or wrong is open to debate.

Thats why this xtain life is hard for me. I have to be too things that i hate with a passion. Dependent on some1 else. Have to experience failure. There is no escape. And this two things come at the same time. It is at the times i experience failure, esp in my xtain life that i should go to God, but can u see my problem. I still want to do it myself. I dont wanna let go. But i need to.. To become a successful xtain will mean a serious paridgm shift in my view to life which is not going to be easy to attain. At least i now have a greater appreciation of the problem and the underlying causes. The solution. I have to keep my ego in check. Not my public ego, but my private one.

Its gonna be hard but hey wetin i for do. :)

I prob should proof read this post but i feel its best in this manner.

Easy people.