Numbing Growing Pains

Growing is a very painful process. When things don’t go the way you hoped or dreamed it’s very easy to start to doubt God. Doubt what He said about your future. Start to wonder if this is it. If this is the best God has in store for me. If my grandiose dreams will ever come to pass and if so how. I know this sounds stupid. Am supposed to keep on waiting on God which is 100% correct. But the pain of rejection, frustration and disappointment is hard. Worse still the pain of rejection and frustration can open the door to other things to help one “deal with them”.

Which leads me to my next set of questions:

At one’s lowest ebb, how do you resist the allure of instant gratification to numb the pain and forget the heart ache and hurt?

When the heat is on where do you run to get relief? Is it the solace of friendship, the comfort of a familiar habit or do you just internalise it inside?

When the gloomy clouds appear how do we notice they aren’t stationary but actually moving?

When you need an escape where do you run to? Hold on. What are you running from in the 1st place?

How do we learn from life’s experiences without getting scarred by them?

How do you keep remaining upbeat when you don’t seem to have a reason anymore?

What do you do when you don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel? When nothing good seems like its gonna happen?

I know this is a very pessimistic post but am just saying how I feel. Deep down in my heart I know God is there. Watching over me as I type this and wondering silly boy. If only He knew what I’ve got in store for Him.

Father I don’t mean to doubt you. Just wished you would let me know every once in a while that you are still there. Help me Lord to remember you as my refuge and continue to run to you.

The Futility of Pride

There is a thin line between confidence and pride. Between pride and arrogance. Between pride and self-sufficiency. Between pride and selfishness. My theme for this year is "No Retreat, Total Surrender" and its already starting to feel like a life-time theme.

Pride and selfishness go hand in hand. Both are centered on self. Self-affirmation and self-gratification. No matter what i wish, my self dependency and constant falling tells me deep down somewhere in my heart i still dont believe God will take care of everything. I still want to do things myself. My way. Why? Because deep down somewhere i still dont believe. If i truly believed, why will i do things my way? Why wont i obey His commands? Why wont i let go and let God?

The more i look at myself, the more i see things i need to work on. The more i criticise others, the more i see myself in them. Looking inwards is tough and its a shame when you are disgusted with what you see.

I really want to be Christlike. But i have finally reached the point where i have to admit that patience is the only way to get there. The best part is God has given us His grace to get us there. After every mistake, we can wipe ourselves up and keep trying for the 1000th time. Nothing we do can be so bad to disqualify us from his love. I am amazed by how much God loves us.

Take care peeps

The Goal Oriented Christian

I got the Max Lucado book "In The Grip of Grace" recently. It was a great read. It talks a lot about the abundance of God's love and mercy in spite of all our failings. But the most telling part of the book were the questions at the end. Ive listed the ones which hit me the most:

- Do you live in fear of never doing enough? Or do you live in gratitude that enough has been done?
- Do you do good deeds in order to be saved? Or do you do good deeds because you are saved?

These questions really hit a nerve. For the people who know me, i tend to have a goal oriented nature and always rushing somewhere trying to accomplish something. A friend of mine always describes me as "eager". I believe that you get what you work for. Reap what you sow. You have to put the effort if you want results. In summary, hard work is inevitable. You have to earn it. I applied this to the xtian life only to find out it doesnt work. Ive been acting like an insecure child trying to impress His daddy's in order to merit his love. I am constantly trying to prove to God how much i love Him, how much am growing. Am always trying either to work out my guilt or make me feel deserving of a blessing or merit some supernatural favour. As much as I hate to admit it, I been trying to be right with God by actions\works instead of faith. Which is weird because I never really thought of myself as a legalistic person let alone holy. But obviously part of me is.

The book says how actions are fruitless because no matter what we do, we can never make up for the ultimate sacrifice he made by sending his Son to die for us. God loves me just the way I am and is routing for me to become the person he wants me to be. I just have to be secure in this respect and spend more time thanking him for his grace and less time trying to earn it.

Have a great week peeps.