The spiritual line between God and I has been silent for a while. In church yesterday, it just hit me that I hadn’t heard from him for a while. That would explain a lot of things. I haven’t had that same level of clarity I usually enjoy when am with Him. Ive been feeling lost, confused and sad for no apparent reason. Like am lost at sea with waves battering me on every side..
That’s cos I stopped using my compass in navigating through the storms of life. I really depend on God without knowing it. When he is not around I feel it. I really am nothing without Him.
But you see I know that. So when I undergo all these periods of low spirituality, I often just think, yeah yeah, this moment will pass and my relationship with God will just get back on track. But before you know it, you start drifting away and getting farther and farther away from Him. And you know what, the farther you are away, the harder it is to get back. This is especially hard when you know God’s plans for you and you believe them. You get burdened with the guilt that you are gonna screw everything up which if the truth be told is a very clear and present danger.
I know God’s love is unquestionable and immense but how does he keep on finding it in his heart to keep taking me back. If this was a human relationship I would have been dumped a million years ago. I keep getting up and falling down. Getting up and falling down. All the time hoping I avoid God’s punishment and don’t screw up my destiny. Is this really what the rest of my life is going to be. Really?
Heavenly Father I would rather not go through this whole charade with you and just wished I was a dutiful, good, sinless xtain lad. I really wish I was. Am sorry for all the mistakes I continually make. I wish I could promise you I wont repeat them but am just a worthless sinner in need of your grace. I thank you lord for all the things you’ve done in my life. I thank you Lord for all the things you are yet to do. Please Lord I ask you to step in and save me from myself. Don’t let me pollute the blessings you have in store for me. Keep me at peace with you. Help me get back to you. Don’t let me ever leave.
Please give me a dial tone.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Driven vs Workaholic
Yeah i know this sounds overtly dramatic but i stumbled on this website http://www.workaholics-anonymous.org which i thought was great. It gave some indications of how you can know if you are a workaholic. Excerpts include:
We operate out of the mini-crisis mode, using this as an escape from experiencing our true emotions.
We have an obsessive desire to understand everything in our lives, including our every emotion. We cannot allow ourselves to experience emotions that we do not understand, fearing our loss of control.
We judge ourselves by our accomplishments and hence have the illusion that we must always be in the process of accomplishing something worthwhile in order to feel good about ourselves.
Instead of being a haven, our home is an extension of our workplace. Our family and friends often arrange their time with us around our work, vainly hoping we will finish it and then can be with them.
We tend to be over-serious and responsible. All activity must be purposeful. We find it hard to relax and just be; we feel guilty and restless when not working. Because we often work at our play, we rarely experience re-creation and renewal. We neglect our sense of humor and rarely enjoy the healing power of laughter.
Waiting is hard for us. We are more interested in results than process, in quantity than quality. Our impatience often distorts our work by not allowing it proper timing.
I singled out these particular ones cos i think they relate to me. But can someone be driven and not be a workaholic. Is being a goal-oriented person such a bad thing? Any thoughts on this would be great.
I take the general point that i just need to relax and know how to shutdown. I suppose the question is do you "live to work" or "work to live"?
Hmmmmm.
Anyhow folks easy
We operate out of the mini-crisis mode, using this as an escape from experiencing our true emotions.
We have an obsessive desire to understand everything in our lives, including our every emotion. We cannot allow ourselves to experience emotions that we do not understand, fearing our loss of control.
We judge ourselves by our accomplishments and hence have the illusion that we must always be in the process of accomplishing something worthwhile in order to feel good about ourselves.
Instead of being a haven, our home is an extension of our workplace. Our family and friends often arrange their time with us around our work, vainly hoping we will finish it and then can be with them.
We tend to be over-serious and responsible. All activity must be purposeful. We find it hard to relax and just be; we feel guilty and restless when not working. Because we often work at our play, we rarely experience re-creation and renewal. We neglect our sense of humor and rarely enjoy the healing power of laughter.
Waiting is hard for us. We are more interested in results than process, in quantity than quality. Our impatience often distorts our work by not allowing it proper timing.
I singled out these particular ones cos i think they relate to me. But can someone be driven and not be a workaholic. Is being a goal-oriented person such a bad thing? Any thoughts on this would be great.
I take the general point that i just need to relax and know how to shutdown. I suppose the question is do you "live to work" or "work to live"?
Hmmmmm.
Anyhow folks easy
Holidaying on the Precipice
A book i read a while back wondered why xtains like to play around the boundaries of sin instead of fleeing from it at the 1st sign of temptation. Why do we entertain such thoughts and eventually fall. Since i started writing this blog, ive been stuck in that circle of sin - guilt - forgiveness. sin - guilt - forgiveness. sin - guilt - forgiveness. sin - guilt - forgiveness.
But i am sick and tired of being stuck in this cycle. I recently went on holiday and thought the time to breathe would be good for me to meditate and reflect on my relationship with God. Did i do any of it? No!!!! I didnt even read my bible. And this happens every time i go on Holiday.
It really is hard being holy holy holy all year round. Really really difficult. It is as if as a human being my default position is depravity and its a conscious effort to keep ones carnal nature at bay. I spose the answer is to let the Holy Ghost come in to sort it all out, but men, ive been grieving him for so long. Am tired of letting him down and not sure i should do so again for the umpteenth time.
I know am playing a dangerous game but what can i do. Ive been holidaying at the precipice long before i went on holiday. Ive been holidaying on the precipice for the most part of my life. But its a long way to fall down Lord. And despite my mistakes, i dont wanna fall. At the back of my mind i know you are the only one who can save me. Who can fix me. Who can make me whole. Help me Lord to figure this out and believe you.
But i am sick and tired of being stuck in this cycle. I recently went on holiday and thought the time to breathe would be good for me to meditate and reflect on my relationship with God. Did i do any of it? No!!!! I didnt even read my bible. And this happens every time i go on Holiday.
It really is hard being holy holy holy all year round. Really really difficult. It is as if as a human being my default position is depravity and its a conscious effort to keep ones carnal nature at bay. I spose the answer is to let the Holy Ghost come in to sort it all out, but men, ive been grieving him for so long. Am tired of letting him down and not sure i should do so again for the umpteenth time.
I know am playing a dangerous game but what can i do. Ive been holidaying at the precipice long before i went on holiday. Ive been holidaying on the precipice for the most part of my life. But its a long way to fall down Lord. And despite my mistakes, i dont wanna fall. At the back of my mind i know you are the only one who can save me. Who can fix me. Who can make me whole. Help me Lord to figure this out and believe you.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Redemption
I used to struggle with asking for God’s forgiveness for my sins. I used to (and sometimes still) overburdened with guilt and shame and will instead try to runaway from God instead (as if that were possible). But am starting to realise the power of redemption. I can’t really explain it. But when i ask forgiveness for my sins, I feel unburdened. Like a weight has been lifted off me and I feel a renewed passion to continue to strive for perfection. The fact someone somewhere loves me so much he would forgive me of actions and wipe the slate clean as if nothing ever happened just because of his love for me is amazing. How can I not be overwhelmed by such a declaration of love. How can I not be encouraged to keep striving? To keep pushing? To keep getting up.
The stumbling block I encountered for all this time was that I never really believed I had been forgiven and was still waiting for some divine punishment somewhere. But God said we should come into His presence with boldness and not with fear.
Father I sincerely wish I was devoid of sin and don’t have to continually keep asking for your forgiveness. Unfortunately, am still on this journey to become the person you called me to be. Father let your grace and mercy continually follow me Lord and keep me in your loving arms.
Thank you Lord.
The stumbling block I encountered for all this time was that I never really believed I had been forgiven and was still waiting for some divine punishment somewhere. But God said we should come into His presence with boldness and not with fear.
Father I sincerely wish I was devoid of sin and don’t have to continually keep asking for your forgiveness. Unfortunately, am still on this journey to become the person you called me to be. Father let your grace and mercy continually follow me Lord and keep me in your loving arms.
Thank you Lord.
Strengths and Weaknesses
In my quest for spiritual development and maturity. I’ve noticed I spend a lot of my time focussing on my weaknesses. Areas for improvement etc. I believe this is necessary, so I don’t get ahead of myself and quit striving for perfection. But this its also dangerous because you lose sight of all the progress you have made.
When my weakness gets the better of me, especially when it is a recurring one, there is a temptation to be hard on oneself and assume there has been no progress. To be honest, I spend so much time being my own worst critic that I struggle to actually think of any of my supposed strengths.
If I had to mention one of my strengths, I would say it is that am still here. Despite my flaws and numerous falls, I still haven’t given up and you know what that might not be as insignificant as I think it is.
Anyhow peeps. Take care.
When my weakness gets the better of me, especially when it is a recurring one, there is a temptation to be hard on oneself and assume there has been no progress. To be honest, I spend so much time being my own worst critic that I struggle to actually think of any of my supposed strengths.
If I had to mention one of my strengths, I would say it is that am still here. Despite my flaws and numerous falls, I still haven’t given up and you know what that might not be as insignificant as I think it is.
Anyhow peeps. Take care.
Taking Out the Trash
Am currently in one of those moods where my mind has been wandering. Seriously wandering. I’ve been entertaining thoughts which I shouldn’t be and letting those thoughts fester and take root. It’s time to take out the trash. I need to cleanse my mind and fill it with pure thoughts once again. It’s weird how it’s easier to dwell on things not of the spirit than those which are. How it is easier, sometimes even enjoyable to think negative thoughts than positive ones. And you know what? The more you dwell on them, the more they appear to be real and then you feel burdened by things which are not important or even imagined.
It really is time to take out the trash. It is time for me to let the Holy Spirit come in with His broom and give my mind a good sweep. It’s a difficult struggle to control ones thoughts. But its important cos our thoughts enable our actions. I suppose saturating my mind with heavenly thoughts is the answer. But its difficult. After a while you get tired of being holy, of always doing the right think or always wanting to do the right thing. The flesh gets bored and starts bugging you. And once the flesh gets reconnected with the brain, you are TOAST
So really, the issue is not what I do but what I think. I should stop focusing on my actions and start focussing on my thoughts. But I need to keep reminding myself to stop treating my spiritual life like a career goal but instead depend on the Holy Spirit to see me through.
Easy
It really is time to take out the trash. It is time for me to let the Holy Spirit come in with His broom and give my mind a good sweep. It’s a difficult struggle to control ones thoughts. But its important cos our thoughts enable our actions. I suppose saturating my mind with heavenly thoughts is the answer. But its difficult. After a while you get tired of being holy, of always doing the right think or always wanting to do the right thing. The flesh gets bored and starts bugging you. And once the flesh gets reconnected with the brain, you are TOAST
So really, the issue is not what I do but what I think. I should stop focusing on my actions and start focussing on my thoughts. But I need to keep reminding myself to stop treating my spiritual life like a career goal but instead depend on the Holy Spirit to see me through.
Easy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
